Dr. Selwyn Vickers, CEO and President of MSK, and wife Janice (both seated, at center) with their family, from left: daughter Lydia, son-in-law Cameron Maple, daughter Lauren Vickers Maple, daughter Adrienne, and son Benjamin.
Selwyn M. Vickers, MD, FACS, the President and CEO of Memorial Sloan Cancer Center, is a renowned pancreatic cancer surgeon, health equity researcher, and hospital leader.
But the title he is proudest of is ‘Dad.’
Dr. Vickers and his wife, Janice, have raised four grown children. Through the joys and challenges of parenting, he has gained a lifetime of insights that build on the strong foundation laid down by his remarkable parents and grandparents.
He shared some of what he has learned in a question-and-answer session with the Working Parents Employee Resource Network, which seeks to create a community for the improved experiences of parents and caregivers at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center.
How do you like to spend quality time with your children and family?
I learned from the book The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, that the best results from time spent with my children come from knowing them well enough to understand their love language. It’s understanding those things that convey my sincere affection and love for them — which may be different from what I find meaningful.
What lessons have you taught your kids that you hope will remain with them for life?
I’ve challenged my kids to always be willing to grow in order to be their best; to remain resilient in spite of failures; and to live a life guided by faith in God and a love for other people.
How have you balanced the competing demands of the important work we do at MSK while also devoting time to your family?
First, I would say that when it comes to balancing priorities with family time, I have not always done it well. There are clearly successes and failures, particularly with how I used my time as a busy young surgeon, and as I progressed from a department chair to a medical school dean to president.
Fundamentally though, the ability to strike a balance has been driven by the two-member team that is my wife, Janice, and me. We each have unique roles to achieve the goals of our family. And there is no difference in the value of what each of us does.
I have been privileged to receive accolades for doing things that benefit patients. But her role, as a college professor and, later, as a work-at-home mother, is as valuable — and maybe more valuable — than anything I do outside the home.
Ultimately, I understand that when I finish my career, hopefully many people will have benefited. But someone will replace me.
Those who will value me the most are my children and wife, based on what I’ve tried to accomplish in caring, providing for, and loving them.
What do you see as some of the challenges of parenting today?
One major challenge that is clearly different these days is social media. Kids have access to external influences in their lives that affect everything from their overall learning style to their sense of their own abilities. These outside influences, along with all the screen time kids have today, is quite a profound challenge.
As technology evolves, it’s important that guidelines remain fairly constant. One good example is the parents who will allow their kids to have a phone at a certain age but insist that it’s a flip phone instead of a smart phone, which is a handheld computer. That’s wise.
Another challenge is that many parts of our society define values for our children before we even have a chance to. Parents need to be intentional in conveying the values to their kids that they think make for a successful life.
What advice would you like to share with other working parents at MSK?
For single parents, I know it’s not an easy task. But it’s doable with a strategic, thoughtful approach to raising children that uses a support network as much as possible to help you invest in your children.
For those with a partner, value each other’s role and recognize that the goal of raising kids belongs to both of you.
For all parents, understand that perfect parents don’t guarantee perfect kids. So don’t beat yourself up when errors occur. Kids are resilient, and what really matters is your overall intent and the persistent effort to give support and love.
Finally, working parents should maintain a sense of priority about the things that really matter. Clearly, we love every aspect of what you deliver at MSK. But we also understand that, at the end of the day, your priorities are your family and children and those you love.
I believe we will not see your best if you do not have the privilege of being your best at home. In fact, I would argue that the most efficient way to have success in your professional career is to work hard at having success in your personal life.
Know that it will never be perfect. But it’s the intent and effort that often counts the most.